Funnies

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager sat down next to him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet.

The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically: "What's the matter, old boy, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied :" Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

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A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" The mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress." The daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress." She explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said. "What's for dinner?"