Shen Zhen (5th - 10th Dec 2008) - afterthoughts...

Did you ever realise that whenever parents meet up with relatives whom they have not seen for quite some time, one of the first thing that they do is to throw out compliments at each other's children like the speed they are giving out flyers at the Orchard MRT tunnel? Comments like "wah, your daughter is so pretty", or "your son has the look of a big boss", blah blah. And when we, the children, are still feeling good over the positive comments, our parents will be the one who bring us back to earth with one single, arrow-straight-to-the-heart reply...

"Aiyah, not as pretty as your daughter. Look at mine, she put on so much weight leh."

And so it begins, for maybe the next 10 minutes or so, parents from both sides will try to make the other children sound like angels, while their own flesh and blood are just mere common mortals. As such, the following conversation will never ever happen :

the relative : "Wah, your son is so good-looking, and I heard that he is the boss of his own company. So capable."

the parent : "Yah, I know. I think he is getting better looking too. And yes, he is very capable. He has 30 employees working for him, and his company is one of the well-known brand in the industry."

This is the standard reply :
"No la, he still looks the same. Your son is the one who is more handsome. My son is just doing a small business, it's nothing compared to what your son is doing.

It also happens when people start to compliment one another, and the receiving party will try to play it down. I think it's the society we are brought up in. I myself also cannot be sure that I would not be doing it when I become a parent. I think it's a way not to make ourselves sound and appear too arrogant or proud. But I feel there should be a limit to it, to know when to stop. If we keep playing ourselves down too much, it will make us look stupid and ignorant instead of humble.

It really made me wondered what the Chinese relatives thought of us, especially HL, the husband and I. When we went for meals, there is always someone there to tell us what each dish contained, or the name of the vegetable, and then went on to try to explain where it came from. I understand that they are being courteous and maybe trying to help in case there are some things that we are not used to eating, but after some time, it is starting to make me feel as if they thought we just open our mouths to eat as long as there is food, without bothering to know what they are.

Also, they must think we are sadly deprived of rural lifestyle by asking different cousins to send us to pick strawberries. I mean, you will want to be able to recall that one and only experience as being fun and thrilling, rather than remembering as being forced to go for it all the time. We were being asked to go strawberry picking 3 times in the 2 days we were at their place. And when the daughter-in-law mentioned that she had never been to a strawberry farm once, one of the uncle just shrugged it off, never asking her if she wanted to join us even though she was seated at the same table.

They are also very proud of their heritage and it seems strange to them that being married to a 100% pure Teochew husband, I haven't mastered the dialect yet. They also do not seemed understand that, especially the older generations, though I do not speak Teochew, I do know what they were saying most of the time. But they still talked to HL or the husband and want them to translate, with me just standing right beside them. Maybe to their way of thinking, to know the dialect means to be able to speak it coz it is your roots, and why am I not learning it since I am married into a Teochew family?

I do admire their loyalty and deep sense pride for being Teochews, but it can seem a little unkind to make fun of your other family members who do not understand the dialect. There is a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law in the family who do not understand Teochew, and once in a while, the uncles will say something about them to the others in the dialect, then turned to ask them if they understand. And before they could answer, the uncles will start to laugh among themselves, not bothering to explain what was just being said.

It seems quite rude to be doing such a thing, especially so if the person is a family member. You will want the person to feel that he/she belongs to the family, whether he/she knows the common dialect or not, instead of making him/her feel inadequate. This person also has his/her own roots, which just happens to be different from the family. And if you are a family, you are a family, it doesn't matter what dialect or language you speak, or whether you understand the dialect or language.

I might be accused of being over-sensitive, rude and unappreciative, and that I have no right to decide how people should think. But hey, you do remember it's my blog, ya?